Do you ever feel like God is nowhere?
Recently, I found myself desperate for understanding. Understanding of a beautiful relationship that was short lived. When this relationship suddenly ended, I was shocked to say the least. I had zero understanding as to why God had taken it from me or why He had given it to me in the first place.
I would pray over and over again for understanding and for God to just take the feeling of emptiness away. But God literally was nowhere. Or at least I felt like God was nowhere, and I felt like He was not listening to my cries and my pleads.
I just needed answers! I just wanted to know what God’s reason was for putting me in this situation.
My beautiful friend kept telling me that even though I did not feel it, God was there. I needed to trust in His plan and to just fully surrender control of the situation. She kept saying, “praise Him in the darkness.”
THAT’S HARD! I wanted MY outcome because the outcome God had given me, I hated. AND praise Him in the darkness? Yeah… I would rather not. Praise Him for what? Taking a beautiful thing away? Beside how was I supposed to praise God when I couldn’t even feel Him anywhere near me?
It’s not that I didn’t even try going to God. I did! Nothing was happening.
At least I could not see it at the moment…
One day I was driving to work and the song “You Alone” came on.
When this life has overwhelmed me, and I feel like givin' up
I will cling to all You've promised, it will always be enough
When the world around me crumbles, and it's hard to understand
I will run to You my shelter, I am safe within Your hands
Oh, You are my help forever
I will not fear, God, You are with me
I know You're near, You'll never leave me
I will trust in You alone
When I'm broken into silence, I can hear You whispering
"You're not alone here in these trials, I will hold you faithfully"
Oh, You are my help forever
I will not fear, God, You are with me
I know You're near, You'll never leave me
I will trust in You alone
And when my heart and strength have failed me
My God, You won't, Your name is mighty
I will trust in You alone
Oh Man. That spoke to me. That was my prayer, for me to believe those lyrics. That I would believe that God is actually near. That He will never leave me and that I have to put all my trust in Him.
This song stuck with me, but I still struggled a lot with wanting an answer. I needed an answer to why God put me in this relationship and then five seconds later took me from it.
I was driving home listening to the same album I have been listening to for a whole week. This song “Weep With Me” came on. I decided to actually listen to the words being sung.
Weep with me
Lord will You weep with me?
I don't need answers, all I need
Is to know that You care for me
Hear my plea
Are You even listening?
Lord I will wrestle with Your heart
But I won't let You go
You know I believe
Help my unbelief
Yet I will praise You
Yet I will sing of Your name
Here in the shadows
Here I will offer my praise
What's true in the light
Is still true in the dark
You're good and You're kind
And You care for this heart
Lord I believe
You weep with me
WOW. There has never been a more perfect song to describe exactly what I felt. That was what I needed to hear. God did not directly answer my cry to why I was put in this situation, but God answered my cry to being able to feel Him in this situation. To know that He is there with me. To know that He does care about what is going on. He literally answered, “I am weeping with you.”
The line that says what’s true in the light is still true in the dark. That was an eye opener. It is so easy to sing He is a good, good Father in the light. When all things are going great. It is easy to praise Him. But in the slightest midst of darkness it’s hard to say He is a good, good Father. But we should. Because God is a never changing God. He is a good, good Father in the light and in the darkness.
I began to sing and pray that song. I know God is weeping with me and that what’s true in the light is still true in the dark. I believed that, but I was still not satisfied with how I felt.
Then this beautiful song “I Need You” written by my best friend Cole Lowery gets thrown in my face.
Can you hear me
Crying softly
God, I need You
God, I need You
Quiet voices
I am helpless
God, I need You
God, I need You
Cause I’m
I’m falling to
My knees praising You
My knees praising You
Oh God, I need You
Yes God, I need You
My chains are breaking
My mountains changing
God, I need You
God, I need You
Cause I’m
I’m falling to
My knees praising You
My knees praising You
Oh God, I need You
Yes God, I need You
Death’s grip fading
Your son raising
Death’s grip fading
Your son raising
Death’s grip fading
Your son raising
Cause I’m
I’m falling to
My knees praising You
My knees praising You
Oh God, I need You
Yes God, I need You
Uhm. Literally, this was God slapping me in the face to wake up and stop trying to control the outcome of my life. For me to realize that God’s plan is bigger than my own understanding. To stop trying to be the ruler of my life and my situations and to completely surrender to Him. To praise Him, to fall on my knees and praise Him. Why? Because my mountains are changing for my good!
God was so evident in giving me these beautiful songs. He kept reassuring me that He is with me and to trust in Him. But I was not happy with how far I had gotten from God. This one situation happens, and I drift to the other side of the ocean. This made me extremely upset. I used to be so close to God, but then one thing doesn’t go the way I wanted, and I feel so far from Him. I began to long for the way things used to be. I longed for my previous secured relationship I once had with God.
Then Sunday, my pastor spoke on The Balm of Gilead. We read Jeremiah 8:18-22 and Psalms 137:1-4.
Lament- passionate expression of grief or sorrow.
Lament Over Judah
My joy has flown away;
grief has settled on me.
My heart is sick.
Listen — the cry of my dear people
from a faraway land,
“Is the Lord no longer in Zion,
her King not within her?”
Why have they provoked me to anger?
with their carved images,
with their worthless foreign idols?
Harvest has passed, summer has ended,
but we have not been saved.
I am broken by the brokenness
of my dear people.
I mourn; horror has taken hold of me.
Is there no balm in Gilead?
Is there no physician there?
So why has the healing of my dear people
not come about?
Jeremiah 8:18-22
Lament of The Exiles
By the rivers of Babylon —
there we sat down and wept
when we remembered Zion.
There we hung up our lyres
on the poplar trees,
for our captors there asked us for songs,
and our tormentors, for rejoicing:
“Sing us one of the songs of Zion.”
How can we sing the Lord’s song
on foreign soil?
Psalms 137:1-4
Longing for that place we used to be. I was longing for the place I once was with Jesus. Longing for the relationship I used to have with Him.
When we experience darkness we wonder why?
I felt “incarcerated in this life corner.” I felt stuck in the darkness and could not figure out how to get out. How to find the light.
My pastor mentioned that “reality is heavy.” In this moment of trial God is saying, “hate” me now so you can “love” me later.
WOAH. Honestly, that was a giant reality check. Because quite frankly I was feeling some strong negative emotions toward God. I was frustrated with God. I wanted to understand so badly God’s purpose for His trial.
The pastor used the word PRESERVATION.
Preservation:The action of preserving something.
John 13:7 “You do not understand now, but you will.”
“At the end there will be tears of Jubilation.”
This means that at the end (when I finally see God’s outcome) there is going to be celebration tears of happiness and triumph.
Then the pastor goes back to Gilead which means to reveal spiritual sickness. In that moment I realized that I was spiritually sick. That the only way to get healed, the only way to get set free from this emptiness was by the balm of Gilead. The Healer. The Almighty. Jesus Christ. I have to completely surrender and allow Jesus to heal my wounds. Not rely on myself. I had to give everything to Jesus and to stop trying to control the outcome.
To look up.
There right in my presence is the balm of Gilead. Literally, right beside me the entire time was Jesus. He was and He is there at every moment. In my doubt and in my times of sorrow, God is weeping with me. He is holding my hand. He works behind the scenes.
Despite me not realizing it, God was there in every single way. Yes, I could not see it at first because God not only is front and center stage, but He also works behind the scenes. God worked months even years before this situation to orchestrate the beautiful harmony of this outcome. The song “You Alone” was released in 2015, but four years later I randomly discovered it in my time of feeling alone and abandoned. The song “I Need You” by my best friend (his story about writing this song is so beautiful and will be at added to the end of this post) was written four months before this situation. Cole decided to share it the week all of this began! God is so amazing. The song “Weep With Me” was released in 2018. I bought the CD two months ago and have heard that song over and over again. But not until the midst of feeling like God was nowhere, I truly listened to it. God was clearly letting me know that I am not alone in my weeping, because He is literally weeping with me. Then the Sunday I was struggling with the weight of my afflictions the pastor preached on Lament and the longing of the past relationship you once had with God. Of course it was exactly what I needed to hear. God was behind the scenes. He was perfectly placing all of these things in the perfect order to be used at the most perfect time.
My favorite part of it all. Is the last part of the song “Weep With Me” connects perfectly with the sermon on Lament and the Balm of Gilead.
Turn my lament into a love song
From this lament, raise up an anthem
Oh I'll sing it in the darkness, oh
Turn my lament into a love song, 'cause I love You Lord
And from this lament, raise up an anthem, oh
Oh I'll sing it in the darkness
I had been singing, God turn my lament into a love song. From this lament, raise up an anthem. Then I heard the sermon on lament, and I didn’t connect the two together until I started writing this post but, God is so beautiful! Before I even truly understood what lament even meant I was prayerfully singing to Him to turn the lament I was feeling into an anthem, and at the most perfect time God provided the sermon on lament which 100% related to everything I was feeling. The sermon taught me how to get rid of this lament, how to turn this lament into a love song. WHICH IS BY THE BALM OF GILEAD! To fully allow Jesus Christ to heal me and not my own human attempt.
God is so amazingly beautiful. I have learned that He never forsakes you and if you think that He has oh man! Be patient and know that He is beautifully orchestrating something miraculous behind the scenes.
God is behind the scene before the scene even takes place!
I have also come to realize that God patiently waits for us. God patiently waited for me to finally realize that the answer I was so desperately seeking was Him all along. He is the solution to all my problems. He is my healer. He is NEVER going away. Through this entire situation all I needed to do was to open my eyes and see. See that God has way bigger outcomes than we can imagine. To fully surrender EVERYTHING to Him. To trust that His way is good, because it is!
To always remember
“For our momentary light affliction is producing for us an absolutely incomparable eternal weight of glory.”
2 Corinthians 2:17
H
“So, in April of this year I was practicing guitar chords. However, I made a mistake, but I was given a beautiful melody without words, through that mistake. I didn’t think much of it. Then the worship leader from church approached me about mid-May/June saying that I would co-lead worship at camp. He then proceeded to tell me that he would be speaking on at camp. He talked about how everyone has ‘their song.” That stuck with me. I began to wonder what my song was.
One night, I got off work late. I went home, ate, and all I wanted to do was go to bed. BUT God motivated me to do my daily devotion. I did and what I read was Jesus and the disciples singing songs and worshipping God. That sparked a thought in my own mind. If they can praise and worship so can I. Immediately, God reminded me of the melody and twenty minutes later a song was written. Not just any song… my song. My song, my cry, and my anthemto God. It’s everything I’ve ever wanted to say to Him.” -Cole Lowery
"You Alone" by North Point
"Weep With Me" by Rend Collective
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